Down That Hall

Down That Hall


I have so many thoughts that I am wanting to express but just when I feel the need to express them, I am pulled away from the computer by a child needing a snack (it's funny how they like to eat so much - who knew?), a mama needing a shower or just a little snuggle time with my loves. I had so much in my mind this morning especially but after a really wonderful talk with a super duper special person, I felt like I unloaded a lot of it. That being said, I wanted to share a bit of what is going on in the ol' brain of Angela - and yes, I can say old now you know as I am going to be 30 soon. ;) Kidding! I am actually really stoked to be hitting this milestone. I am ready for what my thirties have in store for me. I can't wait to learn more about myself!

I am in the throes of applying to the MEP program at McMaster for 2014. As I may have mentioned in a previous post, I started a different blog dedicated to just that journey and you can find ithere! But I do want to post about that journey on here as well as it is such a large part of my life and will be for a long time. So, I am going to write my exam for World History in a week. After that is written and my mark is visible on my transcript I will officially be applying to the program. I have already started the process but still need to get my transcripts in, tweak some things, etc. My goal is by the time I officially start a new decade of life (my 30th birthday in December) that I will officially be done applying. I am so incredibly excited but also nervous. I am terrified of applying but even more scared of not. I am afraid that I will not fulfill their requirements this year. But I am being realistic that if that is the case, there is always next year - and the year after that. I am staying optimistic but also trying to remain a realist.

Last night I attended the info night for the program at McMaster. I was quite shocked to hear that they are expecting to receive around 400 applicants this year. FOUR HUNDRED. I thought two hundred or so - in case you need help with the math, that is DOUBLE what I thought. In case you also need to be reminded, only 30 get accepted into the program. I don't need to do the math to know that the odds are very low that I will get in in the first shot. But. I am staying optimistic. As I looked around the room yesterday, I felt a deep sense of comfort and realization that I am heading in the right direction. All the other people in the room have as good of a chance as I do to get into the program. But that doesn't mean that I will never get in. I will. It's not a matter of IF but a matter of WHEN.
I am starting to plan the next year and what our next step will be if I don't get in. While Al doesn't like to talk too much about that, I am being real and understanding that, we need to have a plan b.

As I walked through the main doors of McMaster Hospital last night, I was filled with so many different emotions. I walked past the clinic where we have (and will continue) to go for Aubrey's kidney updates. I walked down the hall that I remember crying in when she was first born and we were in the hospital longer than we thought we would be. I walked past the elevators that we took up and down so many times to appointments, genetic counselling, etc. This time though, it was different. I didn't have Aubrey with me and it was the BEST feeling to reflect on how far she has come and that, in that exact moment, she was playing at home with her siblings and cousin. It was also an extremely surreal moment as, when I didn't stop at the elevators as I normally would, I felt guilt. I can't quite place it but this time I was there for myself - and not to have my kidneys looked at or for genetic counselling but to pursue my passion in a way that I once thought impossible.
I felt guilty for that. Mom-guilt is a bitch.

So here I was, walking right on past the elevators that we had grown to know so well and down the hall to the unknown. As I continued walking, I began passing students of McMaster and not patients. Again, it was so surreal. I was extremely nervous as I walked closer to the door that literally divided two worlds for me. And then I did it: I opened that door and you know what? It was still me. I was still a mom on the other side of that door. I still felt all the emotions that I normally feel when I am at McMaster: fear, anxiety, hope - but this time it was two-fold. I was finally allowing myself to think outside of being a mom and to truly immerse myself in the thoughts and feelings that come with being a student. I sat in the lecture room and listened to current midwifery students talk about their experience and all I kept thinking was "I got this. I can do this!" I checked my phone a zillion times in case I didn't hear it ring, on the loudest ring set possible, if the kids needed me. They didn't.
And when I got home, they were tucked in bed fast asleep and I felt that feeling again. Guilt. I am not going to say that I didn't cry because I did. Oh boy, did I ever. But it felt so good. I cried because I secretly hated that it wasn't me that put them to bed. And then I cried even more at the realization that when I am in school and then working as a midwife, there will be many nights that it is not me kissing them before they go to bed. And then I continued to cry even harder at the realization that I was getting close - I can truly say that not long ago being a midwife was nothing but a dream. It's getting closer, I can feel it. Whether it be this year or next, I will get into that program.
And my kids will see that even though it is hard, their mama is going after her dreams - and more than me wanting so deeply to pursue my goals, is my desire to show my kids that nothing you set your mind to is impossible. There are no limitations to what you can do if you work hard.

As I watch Aubrey climb on her brother's dresser as I type this, I am flooded with tremendous feelings of pure gratitude. I have learned more about myself since having kids than I ever dreamed I would. Being faced with health concerns has taught me that, while there may never be solid answers, we are always given the choice. We can grow from it or we can wither away from it. We can appreciate the good and the bad that come with each situation or we can only see the bad. We can walk down that hall of the unknown with hesitation or with hope. I choose hope.